Oh dear Blog, it has been too long. How I need the therapy you bring to my unfortunate little existence. Prepare yourselves, readers, as this episode of an Emotional Wreck proves to be sad and depressing.
Recently I have discovered, or rather admitted, that I am living a life of regret. Eleven years ago I lost someone very dear to my heart, and my life took a turn for the worse. I don't believe that we can ever recover who we once were when we experience that deep loss, and that we become lost ourselves. I still feel lost, eleven years later. I have made decisions I could not have fathomed back then, and I do not recognize myself, have not recognized myself ever since. I have two friends that I must thank for the sheer fact that I am alive and breathing today, because without their presence during that difficult event all those years ago, I know I would not still be alive today. I was hell bent on destroying myself, and as I sit here today I can still feel the effects of those careless actions. I have been broken my entire life. Each time I think that I might possibly have rebuilt some semblance of myself, I watch it tumble down around me, as a castle made of sand. Life keeps sending wave after wave to erode my shore and it seems as though there is almost nothing left.
Perhaps part of my problem is that that person was so spectacular and I experienced such amazing love and happiness with him, that everything since has paled in comparison. I cannot be certain. And I feel a tremendous amount of guilt in saying that, because I have since known some others who are spectacular in their own right, but I am not capable of fully appreciating who they are. I feel as though my mind has deteriorated since the moment I was told he was gone. That I have sunk deeper and deeper into my own mind that it is imploding on itself, there is no room for anything else any longer. How does one move past something they will never forget? There is no getting over it. There is only pushing through each miserable day with the hope that the next will be easier. And for me, it is increasingly difficult to maintain my hope in general, not just in this.
I have a lot to be thankful for. I do not wish to be discontent with my life. I have a beautiful son who is so full of wonder and delight it is contagious. I married a good man who does his best to provide for our family and is a wonderful father. And yet, I cannot shake this awful black shroud of mourning. It has transformed over the years from mourning the loss of that person to mourning the loss of myself. I feel that so many opportunities have passed me by because my vision was clouded all these years. It is only now, in retrospect that I can see the different paths I might have taken. Is this Satan, working to destroy my fragile mind? It must be, I have no other explanation for why I cannot let go of things that might have been. I love my husband, and I would not trade anything in this world for my amazing baby boy, but at times, I cannot help but wish I had made another choice. When every fiber of my being was screaming at me to choose another way, my heart whispered to choose this life. And I did. And I have questioned myself ever since.
And here I am, in a place I would never choose to live my days, with a man I hardly know anymore, in a job I never thought I would have, without friends, without my family. Without anyone who understands any part of me. And to admit this in any way, shape or form causes me such pain, such disappointment in myself, such guilt, I can hardly stand to exist.
At any moment I am expecting total and utter chaos to break loose within me, and a full fledged nervous breakdown to completely destroy the fragile frame I am barely able to maintain on a day to day basis.
I don't know how to BE, to experience, to enjoy, to live. I am trapped in the confines of my thoughts, my fears, my dreams, my destroyed life plans. With each day I become more incapable and more self loathing. I don't have it within me to rise up any longer, I am so beaten down by life. I see no escape, no relief, no end to this quagmire of feelings that continues to suck me down and down.
I long to be that wife and mother that my family can be proud of, that I can be proud of, where I can get out of bed each day with something to look forward to rather than this awful creature that only looks forward to each day's end for the simple fact that it means I have one less day to live through. I am black inside. I am being swallowed up by the blackness. And this awful madness that I endure won't go away. I don't know how to change, to make it go away, to be positive and productive. My instincts tell me to curl up into a ball in a dark place and wait until I stop breathing. The sadness of these thoughts, the sheer hopelessness and awfulness strikes me as abnormal and terrible, but I cannot keep it to myself one more moment, because it continually fills me. I am incredulous at some of the things I have confessed here, but I needed so badly to say them. I feel I am again at a crossroads, I feel that I am about to make yet another bad decision, one that I will regret for the rest of my days. Something so insignificant in the giant scheme of life holds so much weight in my fragile state of mind.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Sister Wives
I would like to take a moment to apologize to those that read this blog, and also to myself, for not posting in such a long while.
Moving on.
I really have to take a moment to rant about this show, Sister Wives. Yes, I watch it. In fact, I record it on my DVR so I don't miss it. While I definitely do not agree with their lifestyle choice, I am fascinated by their family. They have strong bonds between all of the wives and the husband, the children seem well adjusted. They get along for the most part, in fact better than some monogomous couples I know. I would never in a million years choose this, but they did, and they are really making the best of it.
Now, I also used to watch The Girls Nextdoor, when they were Holly, Bridgette and Kendra. I was also fascinated with their lifestyle, though I in no way agree with it. Nor would I choose that for myself.
Here comes the rant portion of today's programming. The Brown family of Sister Wives is being investigated for polygamy. Now, Kody (the husband) and Meri (wife #1) are legally married. The other 3 wives had a special symbolic ceremony to act as their wedding to Kody, but in no way is it a legal marriage. Why is it that we can glorify someone like Hugh Heffner, who established an empire by exploiting nude women, and celebrate his choice to live and sleep with sometimes up to 7 girlfriends at a time, but we villify this family that is comitted to one another and is trying to teach their children some values? No I don't think polygamy is a good value, but neither do I think an 80 something year old man sleeping with several 20 something year old women is acceptable. Why should the Brown family be persecuted for their alternative lifestyle, and Hugh Heffner and his girlfriends are celebratized? (if that's not a word, I don't care, I'm cool enough to make one up!)
My point is this- we watch all these TV shows about homosexuals, about Hugh Heffner and his girlfriends, about people with 20 billion kids, etc. As Americans we claim to be accepting of the alternative. Don't prosecute these people! They are no different than anyone else on TV. They aren't asking anyone to subscribe to their lifestyle. They all entered their relationship willingly, they are happy with their situation, and we should just leave them alone.
Moving on.
I really have to take a moment to rant about this show, Sister Wives. Yes, I watch it. In fact, I record it on my DVR so I don't miss it. While I definitely do not agree with their lifestyle choice, I am fascinated by their family. They have strong bonds between all of the wives and the husband, the children seem well adjusted. They get along for the most part, in fact better than some monogomous couples I know. I would never in a million years choose this, but they did, and they are really making the best of it.
Now, I also used to watch The Girls Nextdoor, when they were Holly, Bridgette and Kendra. I was also fascinated with their lifestyle, though I in no way agree with it. Nor would I choose that for myself.
Here comes the rant portion of today's programming. The Brown family of Sister Wives is being investigated for polygamy. Now, Kody (the husband) and Meri (wife #1) are legally married. The other 3 wives had a special symbolic ceremony to act as their wedding to Kody, but in no way is it a legal marriage. Why is it that we can glorify someone like Hugh Heffner, who established an empire by exploiting nude women, and celebrate his choice to live and sleep with sometimes up to 7 girlfriends at a time, but we villify this family that is comitted to one another and is trying to teach their children some values? No I don't think polygamy is a good value, but neither do I think an 80 something year old man sleeping with several 20 something year old women is acceptable. Why should the Brown family be persecuted for their alternative lifestyle, and Hugh Heffner and his girlfriends are celebratized? (if that's not a word, I don't care, I'm cool enough to make one up!)
My point is this- we watch all these TV shows about homosexuals, about Hugh Heffner and his girlfriends, about people with 20 billion kids, etc. As Americans we claim to be accepting of the alternative. Don't prosecute these people! They are no different than anyone else on TV. They aren't asking anyone to subscribe to their lifestyle. They all entered their relationship willingly, they are happy with their situation, and we should just leave them alone.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Day 13- To whom it may concern...
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently...
I have learned that the closer you are to someone, the more vulnerable you become, the more power they have to hurt you. You continually hope and genuinely believe that because you are so close with them, they wouldn't dream of doing anything to hurt you. And you genuinely believe that you wouldn't hurt them either. But it just isn't so. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me... Whoever came up with that is an idiot. Words are as sharp as daggers and often inflict deep wounds on their targets. I grew up in a family where word-daggers whipped back and forth daily. I have a lot of scars.
I feel closer to you than anyone I have ever known. That is a pretty big compliment to you. You generally make me feel safe, and loved, and I appreciate your patience with me as some of my old wounds are still healing. But lately you have become a word-dagger master. You say things that cut me to the quick, that make me angry and heartbroken and hopeless all at once. You make me question what we are even doing here... And I am so confused.
Talking through a conflict has never been my strong point. I would rather keep my mouth shut and go into ignore mode than try to talk through an argument or fight. This drives you crazy. Again, I apologize for all the scars that I'm left with from all these years. I don't know how else to be. I am trying to get better, I have been trying my whole life to become something different than what I am, something more acceptable to the mainstream. Sometimes I want to say forget it and make my own road. But lately, when I ask you what's wrong you say "nothing" and when I ask if you are alright you say "no." I want to help you, I want to be there for you, I want to know what's going on, because I love you so so much.
I know that you have your own scars to work through. I know you have not had an easy life either. But you are the talker. What am I to do when you refuse to speak?
I have learned that the closer you are to someone, the more vulnerable you become, the more power they have to hurt you. You continually hope and genuinely believe that because you are so close with them, they wouldn't dream of doing anything to hurt you. And you genuinely believe that you wouldn't hurt them either. But it just isn't so. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me... Whoever came up with that is an idiot. Words are as sharp as daggers and often inflict deep wounds on their targets. I grew up in a family where word-daggers whipped back and forth daily. I have a lot of scars.
I feel closer to you than anyone I have ever known. That is a pretty big compliment to you. You generally make me feel safe, and loved, and I appreciate your patience with me as some of my old wounds are still healing. But lately you have become a word-dagger master. You say things that cut me to the quick, that make me angry and heartbroken and hopeless all at once. You make me question what we are even doing here... And I am so confused.
Talking through a conflict has never been my strong point. I would rather keep my mouth shut and go into ignore mode than try to talk through an argument or fight. This drives you crazy. Again, I apologize for all the scars that I'm left with from all these years. I don't know how else to be. I am trying to get better, I have been trying my whole life to become something different than what I am, something more acceptable to the mainstream. Sometimes I want to say forget it and make my own road. But lately, when I ask you what's wrong you say "nothing" and when I ask if you are alright you say "no." I want to help you, I want to be there for you, I want to know what's going on, because I love you so so much.
I know that you have your own scars to work through. I know you have not had an easy life either. But you are the talker. What am I to do when you refuse to speak?
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Day 12- How do you start a blog?
Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one...
Ok, I know I have skipped day 11. I will go back when I find the stinkin picture I want to post for it. My apologies. I just felt like it had been too long since I wrote anything. Here goes!
I found out about blogger from a friend who had been thinking about starting her own blog for awhile. She researched how to do it, spent time looking at other blogs to get ideas, and finally started her own. So after reading hers a couple times, I thought, I could do this! This might be a good way for me to get some things out of my system and I really enjoy writing. I especially like the Blog Challenge because I think I do my best writing when I have a specific topic to write about, instead of me trying to come up with something I think everyone else would be interested in reading. I was totally inspired by my friend, we are in similar places in our life journey (married with semi-new baby boys), and reading her blog just gave me the push I needed to start my own.
Ok, I know I have skipped day 11. I will go back when I find the stinkin picture I want to post for it. My apologies. I just felt like it had been too long since I wrote anything. Here goes!
I found out about blogger from a friend who had been thinking about starting her own blog for awhile. She researched how to do it, spent time looking at other blogs to get ideas, and finally started her own. So after reading hers a couple times, I thought, I could do this! This might be a good way for me to get some things out of my system and I really enjoy writing. I especially like the Blog Challenge because I think I do my best writing when I have a specific topic to write about, instead of me trying to come up with something I think everyone else would be interested in reading. I was totally inspired by my friend, we are in similar places in our life journey (married with semi-new baby boys), and reading her blog just gave me the push I needed to start my own.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
I apologize...
Yes, I realize I have seriously fallen behind. I am still pondering day 11... mostly because it is supposed to be a picture of me and my friends again and I don't have many on my computer. When I get around to it, (read: when I feel like it) I will scan an old one and post it. For now, I wish to vent, and since this is MY BLOG I will do what I want...
I hate people that think they are better than other people. Everyone is on an equal playing field. Just get that in your head. Because newsflash, no matter what we do in our measly lives, it isn't that significant to anyone other than ourselves, AND we all have the same fate. We are all going to die. So don't get in my face and tell me how you are better than me because you did this or that. I don't give a F**K!!!! I don't care what you've done in your life, if you are trying to flaunt it like you are the ISH then obviously you have learned nothing in the teensy amount of time that you have resided on this planet. The only person qualified to boast is Jesus Christ because he died for our sins, our mistakes, our shortcomings. And if you think you are better than anyone else, then you have MANY. I am so tired of judgemental morons. Seriously, take a long look in the mirror and I'm sure that you won't like what you see. And if you have the balls to come to me and tell me all your opinions and viewppoints, you can at least have the respect to listen to my point of view.
I would like to share a little bit about being an army wife. Some dumb @$$ TV show has dramatized what we go through. Yes, many army wives are flat out whores. I have personally known quite a few. HOWEVER we are not all that way. (P.S. lots of soldiers are manwhores too, so whatever.) Anyway- I am not one of those. Being an army wife, in my opinion, is just as hard as being a soldier. The soldier has the courage and bravery to enter the military, to give up his decisions and plans to do what the military asks him to do. The Army Wife also gives all that up. But we also give up our children's futures, we give up our hopes, our dreams, our plans. We give up our husbands, not knowing if we will ever see them again, trying to hold back tears and put on a brave face while we smile and wish our husbands well as they ship off to the unknown. I have spent 15 months of my life, not including training time, on pins and needles, not knowing if today was the last day I would ever hear my husband's voice. Not knowing if today would be the day that I had to tell his children (not mine, mind you) that their dad was never coming back. Yes, a single soldier risks his life for the freedom of all Americans. But a married soldier risks his life, his wife's life and his children's lives. So don't you dare sit there and tell me that you are better than me. Don't put down my husband, who has risked more than you even know exists. I appreciate what all of our troops have done for this country, and I admire their courage and bravery. But Army Wives have a bravery all their own. When a soldier is deployed, they are just worried about making it out alive. But an Army Wife has to think about what has to be done if that soldier doesn't make it out alive. We have to think about picking up the pieces and going on with our lives after the devastating blow. So think about that the next time you'd like to get in my face. I'm a different kind of fighter. I am an Army Wife.
I hate people that think they are better than other people. Everyone is on an equal playing field. Just get that in your head. Because newsflash, no matter what we do in our measly lives, it isn't that significant to anyone other than ourselves, AND we all have the same fate. We are all going to die. So don't get in my face and tell me how you are better than me because you did this or that. I don't give a F**K!!!! I don't care what you've done in your life, if you are trying to flaunt it like you are the ISH then obviously you have learned nothing in the teensy amount of time that you have resided on this planet. The only person qualified to boast is Jesus Christ because he died for our sins, our mistakes, our shortcomings. And if you think you are better than anyone else, then you have MANY. I am so tired of judgemental morons. Seriously, take a long look in the mirror and I'm sure that you won't like what you see. And if you have the balls to come to me and tell me all your opinions and viewppoints, you can at least have the respect to listen to my point of view.
I would like to share a little bit about being an army wife. Some dumb @$$ TV show has dramatized what we go through. Yes, many army wives are flat out whores. I have personally known quite a few. HOWEVER we are not all that way. (P.S. lots of soldiers are manwhores too, so whatever.) Anyway- I am not one of those. Being an army wife, in my opinion, is just as hard as being a soldier. The soldier has the courage and bravery to enter the military, to give up his decisions and plans to do what the military asks him to do. The Army Wife also gives all that up. But we also give up our children's futures, we give up our hopes, our dreams, our plans. We give up our husbands, not knowing if we will ever see them again, trying to hold back tears and put on a brave face while we smile and wish our husbands well as they ship off to the unknown. I have spent 15 months of my life, not including training time, on pins and needles, not knowing if today was the last day I would ever hear my husband's voice. Not knowing if today would be the day that I had to tell his children (not mine, mind you) that their dad was never coming back. Yes, a single soldier risks his life for the freedom of all Americans. But a married soldier risks his life, his wife's life and his children's lives. So don't you dare sit there and tell me that you are better than me. Don't put down my husband, who has risked more than you even know exists. I appreciate what all of our troops have done for this country, and I admire their courage and bravery. But Army Wives have a bravery all their own. When a soldier is deployed, they are just worried about making it out alive. But an Army Wife has to think about what has to be done if that soldier doesn't make it out alive. We have to think about picking up the pieces and going on with our lives after the devastating blow. So think about that the next time you'd like to get in my face. I'm a different kind of fighter. I am an Army Wife.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Day 10- If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands...
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you're happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad...
FYI, I know I am a few days off schedule. It's my blog so I can do what I want. LOL.
Alright let's get down to business. Pretty much any of the feelings/moods above can be satisfied with some Gwen Stefani/No Doubt. They have upbeat songs, mellow songs, sad songs... I am a huge Gwen fan, so any of the songs will do, I love to rock out to her voice.
Lately I have been listening to Fergie's The Dutchess. I guess that would fall under happy and hyped. There are some mellower songs on that cd, but I usually skip those.
Back in the day I would turn to Dashboard Confessional for my sad/mad music.
I know I am just listing artists rather than songs, but that is because their body of work encompasses the feelings/moods in the prompt. I don't listen to just one song, I listen to cd's so it made more sense for me to list the artists.
FYI, I know I am a few days off schedule. It's my blog so I can do what I want. LOL.
Alright let's get down to business. Pretty much any of the feelings/moods above can be satisfied with some Gwen Stefani/No Doubt. They have upbeat songs, mellow songs, sad songs... I am a huge Gwen fan, so any of the songs will do, I love to rock out to her voice.
Lately I have been listening to Fergie's The Dutchess. I guess that would fall under happy and hyped. There are some mellower songs on that cd, but I usually skip those.
Back in the day I would turn to Dashboard Confessional for my sad/mad music.
I know I am just listing artists rather than songs, but that is because their body of work encompasses the feelings/moods in the prompt. I don't listen to just one song, I listen to cd's so it made more sense for me to list the artists.
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