When I found out I was pregnant with my first son, I cried. I had waited years for that moment, and the sheer surprise and joy I felt at the news was overwhelming. After many months and months of not getting pregnant, then facing the daily possibility that my husband could be killed in Iraq for 15 months and I would be left without a piece of him to cherish for the rest of my days, God blessed me with the greatest gift I have ever known- my son, Jacob. I felt it was a lesson in God's timing. He had wanted me to wait until my husband was home safely and could be there each step of the way. I enjoyed my pregnancy with him so much, and as the day of his birth drew closer, I became sad that he would not be inside of me any more. I felt such a strong bond with him there, talking to him, singing to him... My husband and step kids talked to him also. I nurtured an affection for him for nine (ten) months. And when he was born, it was love at first sight. I had never seen anything more beautiful than his tiny little body, his sweet small face... my son. MY son. This incredible tiny little person that I made... My love for him was intense, instant and fierce.
When I found out I was pregnant with my second son, I did not cry. We had been planning a sibling for Jacob for a little while, so it wasn't entirely a surprise, but I don't think I could ever say I was expecting it. This news came at a very tumultuous time in my life. My husband had quit his job because of his PTSD, and shortly afterwards was hospitalized for it. I had started a new job and taken on new responsibilities with my family. I was happy to be pregnant again, but I wasn't joyful as I had been the first time around. I wondered often throughout this pregnancy what I had been thinking by having another child at this time. 2011 was a terrible year for my husband and I as a couple and individually. My family didn't talk to this baby as much as they had with Jake, and when we found out we were having yet another boy, the interest in this new addition really dwindled. I didn't feel as well during this pregnancy, and I didn't feel as close to this baby as I thought I should, as I had with my first. I felt that my husband wasn't excited for this baby, that none of us were really excited for him, besides Jake. I wondered if he had been a girl, if things would have been different. Don't get me wrong, I was happy- I am happy- to have my second son. But I have felt intensely guilty for months because of the feelings I have had.
When Levi was born, I cried. They held him up, and he didn't cry and I immediately felt that something was wrong. They assured me he was fine, but I was very concerned that he wasn't really crying. I did hear him as they cleaned him up. But I wasn't overwhelmed like I had been with Jake, thinking he was the most beautiful thing in the world. I just didn't have that thought. I feel horrible writing that, and it's not as if I didn't think he was beautiful, he was, he is. But it was different this time around. They brought him over to me, and I kissed his tiny cheek before they whisked him up to the NICU. I chose Levi as his name because it means joined, and after the year we had I was glad to have a baby that represented the commitment my husband and I had to one another, conceived about the time of our 5th anniversary. During the first few weeks of his life, I did not feel a strong bond between my son and I. I felt like something was wrong with me. Why didn't I have that same fierce love I felt when Jake was new? I still don't have an answer for that. But I think that just as my boys are two different people, my love for them is different. With Jacob, I had intense Love at first sight. With Levi, I am slowly falling in Love day by day. As I get to know this tiny little person that God has blessed me with, I fall deeper and deeper. And I think this is just another lesson in God's timing. Even though I had "planned" to have another child, I would never have chosen that exact time to become pregnant. But I think that God has a bigger plan, and He knows what we need and when we need it. And while I am still not sure how this all fits into His plan, I am sure glad that I have the pleasure and privilege to love these two amazing boys of mine.
