Oh dear Blog, it has been too long. How I need the therapy you bring to my unfortunate little existence. Prepare yourselves, readers, as this episode of an Emotional Wreck proves to be sad and depressing.
Recently I have discovered, or rather admitted, that I am living a life of regret. Eleven years ago I lost someone very dear to my heart, and my life took a turn for the worse. I don't believe that we can ever recover who we once were when we experience that deep loss, and that we become lost ourselves. I still feel lost, eleven years later. I have made decisions I could not have fathomed back then, and I do not recognize myself, have not recognized myself ever since. I have two friends that I must thank for the sheer fact that I am alive and breathing today, because without their presence during that difficult event all those years ago, I know I would not still be alive today. I was hell bent on destroying myself, and as I sit here today I can still feel the effects of those careless actions. I have been broken my entire life. Each time I think that I might possibly have rebuilt some semblance of myself, I watch it tumble down around me, as a castle made of sand. Life keeps sending wave after wave to erode my shore and it seems as though there is almost nothing left.
Perhaps part of my problem is that that person was so spectacular and I experienced such amazing love and happiness with him, that everything since has paled in comparison. I cannot be certain. And I feel a tremendous amount of guilt in saying that, because I have since known some others who are spectacular in their own right, but I am not capable of fully appreciating who they are. I feel as though my mind has deteriorated since the moment I was told he was gone. That I have sunk deeper and deeper into my own mind that it is imploding on itself, there is no room for anything else any longer. How does one move past something they will never forget? There is no getting over it. There is only pushing through each miserable day with the hope that the next will be easier. And for me, it is increasingly difficult to maintain my hope in general, not just in this.
I have a lot to be thankful for. I do not wish to be discontent with my life. I have a beautiful son who is so full of wonder and delight it is contagious. I married a good man who does his best to provide for our family and is a wonderful father. And yet, I cannot shake this awful black shroud of mourning. It has transformed over the years from mourning the loss of that person to mourning the loss of myself. I feel that so many opportunities have passed me by because my vision was clouded all these years. It is only now, in retrospect that I can see the different paths I might have taken. Is this Satan, working to destroy my fragile mind? It must be, I have no other explanation for why I cannot let go of things that might have been. I love my husband, and I would not trade anything in this world for my amazing baby boy, but at times, I cannot help but wish I had made another choice. When every fiber of my being was screaming at me to choose another way, my heart whispered to choose this life. And I did. And I have questioned myself ever since.
And here I am, in a place I would never choose to live my days, with a man I hardly know anymore, in a job I never thought I would have, without friends, without my family. Without anyone who understands any part of me. And to admit this in any way, shape or form causes me such pain, such disappointment in myself, such guilt, I can hardly stand to exist.
At any moment I am expecting total and utter chaos to break loose within me, and a full fledged nervous breakdown to completely destroy the fragile frame I am barely able to maintain on a day to day basis.
I don't know how to BE, to experience, to enjoy, to live. I am trapped in the confines of my thoughts, my fears, my dreams, my destroyed life plans. With each day I become more incapable and more self loathing. I don't have it within me to rise up any longer, I am so beaten down by life. I see no escape, no relief, no end to this quagmire of feelings that continues to suck me down and down.
I long to be that wife and mother that my family can be proud of, that I can be proud of, where I can get out of bed each day with something to look forward to rather than this awful creature that only looks forward to each day's end for the simple fact that it means I have one less day to live through. I am black inside. I am being swallowed up by the blackness. And this awful madness that I endure won't go away. I don't know how to change, to make it go away, to be positive and productive. My instincts tell me to curl up into a ball in a dark place and wait until I stop breathing. The sadness of these thoughts, the sheer hopelessness and awfulness strikes me as abnormal and terrible, but I cannot keep it to myself one more moment, because it continually fills me. I am incredulous at some of the things I have confessed here, but I needed so badly to say them. I feel I am again at a crossroads, I feel that I am about to make yet another bad decision, one that I will regret for the rest of my days. Something so insignificant in the giant scheme of life holds so much weight in my fragile state of mind.
